In the past few entries I have talked openly about my mom's condition. I am sorry to say, in a few short days things have gone from bad to worse. There can be no doubt; I am looking out across the edge of an abyss.
I took my mom's car from her a couple weeks ago. At that moment she became completely dependent upon me. I now have to be sure she gets all that she needs. In this brief time 'groceries' became an issue. I took her to the store one day and we shopped for her. We bought $50 in groceries.
When I checked two mornings later it was all gone. I had noticed that she may have been feeding the dog her food. After each and every absence I would find her food in the dog's bowl. Ham, Turkey, pasta salad, dried pineapple, dried apricots. It was all mom's food; mixed with canned dog food. It was all in the dog's bowl. After days of pleading with her to NOT feed the dog her food; I finally put a sign on her refrigerator that read, 'Do NOT feed the dog YOUR food!' I am sorry to say, it was to no avail.
Yesterday morning as I was on my way to work I told her I did not know what to do. I had spent $100 in groceries in a few days; it all disappeared. I told her I thought I should take the dog, for the dog's protection, as she was over-feeding her. She cried and cried and told me not to take the dog. She told me the dog is all she has. She told me she wouldn't feed her anymore of her food. I had heard that many times before as I pleaded with her to understand that she was hurting the dog.
Now that her car is gone; I now not only have to provide for her needs but the timing of some of them, too. After her doctor's visit on Friday she now has medications that need to be taken at certain times. That has only complicated matters for me juggling my job, her needs and the timing of them. Not to say anything about the monitoring that I now see she requires. It's been an abrupt life change for me, you can be sure.
I decided last night that I could no longer take groceries to her as they would only be fed to the dog. I stopped on my way over before work in the morning at local McDonald's. I bought an egg McMuffin value meal with orange juice, no coffee. I drove the short drive to mom's and she unusually met me at the door. She opened the door, I said 'Good Morning, I brought breakfast for you.' She smiled and said, 'That's nice.'
I walked into the entry foyer and glanced into the living room. I saw Sammy, the pug, laying near the kitchen entry-way covered with a towel. It was a warm, very humid morning here; the air-conditioning in the house was not on. I asked, 'Mom, why do you have Sammy covered up with a towel?' Mom said, 'I want to keep her warm.' I asked, 'What do you mean, it's warm outside and warm in here?' She said, 'I just wanted her to be comfortable. Sammy was aging, deaf and familiar with me so it was not uncommon for her not to stir from a sound sleep on my arrival. I walked past her as I took mom's breakfast into the kitchen; pulled it out of the bag and told her to eat. Mom thanked me.
I walked over to the dog and reached under the towel to 'roust' her awake. She was unresponsive. I rubbed a little harder; again, no response. She was lying in a sleeping position, her front paws curled underneath her. I reached underneath her to see if she would respond. I am sorry to say, as I lifted her she did not. The floor was warm underneath her; she must have just died. I looked at mom and said, 'The dog is dead.' Mom said, 'I was just playing with her.' I said, 'I'm sorry, mom, she's gone.'
It was 7:30 and I immediately called my boss and told him I was sorry but would not be in as mom had an emergency. I could not possibly leave a dead dog in mom's living room; was unsure other than to bury her with what to do. I searched for a box, mom got a blanket. I dug a hole near where mom's last pug was buried and I buried Sammy. I cried and apologized as I did. I really tried to look out for the little dog, too. It was very heart-breaking. All that know me know how much I love pugs. I will never forget her passing and burial. I am so sorry for the dog, sorry for my mom, too. The dog had been her companion for 12 years. The dog had been very good for her.
After I buried the dog I set about some 'administrative' chores for my mom. I had changed her bank accounts to prevent her from sending money to 'illicit' charities. Two sources were 'covered,' one was not. I did what I could to cover that base; the VA advised me to download form, take to bank to initiate the process required for them. I followed their directions but need information on the form that could only possibly be located at mom's. I went there to look.
I looked more deeply and thoroughly through mom's desk drawers and hiding spaces than I had at any time before. I needed that benefits number to assure that her benefits get to where they need to be; so I can provide the help she so obviously needs. I am sorry to say, nowhere did I find any documentation of the benefit claim number; I am still searching.
Deep in one of her desk drawers I did find a spiral notebook labeled, 'Diary for Chris.' That would be me. I pulled it from the drawer and opened to the front page; no doubt, I was curious. On the first small, lined page she noted, 'My first thought in writing all this down is to say to you, 'So you thought you would have the last word.'' Oh my.
I took the spiral notebook with me after I gave mom her medication and put her to bed. My friend, Jeff, in Michigan called me soon thereafter on my ten minute drive back to my home. I told him of the diary; what I had read. I pulled into my driveway; pulled out the notebook and read random entries to him. We talked on the phone as I sat in the driveway for some time.
He was shocked by the passages I read. I advised him 'that's my mom.' He knows me well. My diary readings only confirmed; mom and I were two very different people. There was never any doubt she loved me, so sad to see her fade. We had a long talk about the 'culture' of our family; he understood things he may not have before. My life was always about how I 'reflected' on my mom; not how 'happy' I was. The diary pretty much confirmed that. It's very interesting. When people comment about how polite and respectful I am, my knee-jerk response is, 'My mom would be proud.'
Jeff's response to the diary passages; 'How sad.' It was clear the book was not meant to be read until after she passed. On the first page she wrote, 'My first thought as I begin this is; 'and you thought you would have the last word.' I can only surmise part of our internal 'half-empty/half-full' thing. After reading that line one of my first thoughts was, 'take this home and just burn it back in the woods.' At the same time it was, obviously, 'raw mom.' Given her current mental state and wanting to preserve ANYTHING that remains of who she was; I could not possibly destroy it.
I read some passages to Jeff as I sat in my car in my driveway. Jeff labeled the entries and comments as 'poison.' He told me how sad that my mom would want to strike at me like that; she wanted some control even from the grave. Perhaps a reason we have had our 'troubles.' So sad, indeed.
Jeff is my best friend in the world. He has shared so much with me. Our spirits seem entwined with not only our common Zodiac sign; but some deeper spiritual 'kismet,' too. Through many of our troubled times we have always been there for each other for support. Just last night he told me I was more important than his yard work. Sure sign of true friend!
THANK YOU, so much; for EVERYTHING!
I didn't ask him to change his plans for the evening; he sensed I needed some attention. I love him very much. We live 500 miles apart but the technology is great as we can keep in touch in different ways more than once or twice daily. Gotta love it; gotta love Jeff, too!
Thank you so much, my friend.
Just an update.
Hope all's well with everyone, too.
'night